GIANT BOLD RED TEXT WARNING OF SPOILERS BELOW!
Guess what boys and girls? We’ve seen The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, and we have a few thoughts to present while the movie is still fresh in our minds. Don’t think of this as a review, per se, just a casual conversation been two guys who shouldn’t be talking in a theater.
|No goblin kings with creepy, suggestive hanging bits of skin.||Bad time to take the ring off Bilbo. (Spiders)|
|The ring translates spider-ese for Bilbo. Makes a little more sense than them just flat out speaking English.||With a wealth of characters established by the creator of the series at our disposal, let’s just make a new elf chick. No, we WON’T write Arwen in!|
|Bilbo wants the spiders to see him, just before he STABS THEM IN THE FACE!||Let’s make the new elf chick fall for the dwarf who looks the most like a regular dude.|
|Standing up for your principles Thorin. Respect!||Ok, your principles aside Thorin, this is the one capture situation where you can actually just bail yourself out. Hell, you might be able to just pay Thranduil to send a hit squad after those pesky orcs while you’re at it!|
|Drunk and irresponsible elves. Finally. I was starting to worry that you were all a bunch of Elronds.||Seriously, not a good time to take the ring off Bilbo. (Elves coming down the stairs)|
|The river barrel escape scene is basically one long chain-kill video, and that’s a good thing.||Dammit Radagast! Not having bird shit on your face ISN’T too much to ask!|
|Legolas activates the cheat code for infinite arrows.||Sauron, you’re looking dangerously close to the evil god-Sybok (Star Trek V) when you walk in that wreath of flame there. Just watch it. I have my eye on you.|
|Mecha-Bombur! (aka Bombur’s Broken Barrel of Badass Blades)||There’s a prophecy about the “Return of the King Under the Mountain” now? Since when?!|
|Gandalf vs. the Army of Darkness.||Also, does it really count as a “prophecy” to say that if you wake up a dragon who lives next to a town that is made entirely of wood, that town is probably screwed? What’s the word for “a prophecy that is obvious”?|
|GANDALF HATES ALL BRIDGES!!!||The black arrows look like posh curtain rods.|
|Toilet dwarves will one day replace scrubbing bubbles, you mark my words!||Maybe Tolkien gave dragons an obvious weakness (the soft belly) so that it could be shown that Smaug was clever and overcame such a weakness. Thus, he created him as greater threat than any dragon before him. So hey – maybe taking that away is a bad idea?|
|Damn your watchability Stephen Fry!||Ok, when did the Arkenstone become the Dwarven Matrix of Leadership?|
|Laketown parkour with added stabby stabby!||Stop using the black arrow as a clothesline when it’s clearly a curtain rod. Also, Bard Jr., how did you never notice this before?|
|Infinite arrows cheat mode is still activated.||Dammit Bilbo! The Dragon is right there! DON’T take the ring off!|
|Smaug and Bilbo’s conversation reminds me that the next season of Sherlock is almost here. Also, the banter occurs while running invisibly from a dragon in Scrooge McDuck’s Money Bin. Yes.||Infinite arrow code runs out just as Legolas really needs to make a distance kill.|
|That is a pretty pimp golden dwarf statue right there.||The plan to pour molten gold on a dragon, who’s insides can be on fire with no ill affects, and believing that this will stop him is just a bad plan.|
|A true villain doesn’t just kill the hero, he makes them suffer. Good call on the town attack plan Smaug. That is a mustache twirling moment of villainy right there.||No singing until the credits? What’s wrong with you Jackson?!|
James’ Final Thought: Perhaps I’m spoiled by Pacific Rim now, but I half expected that golden statue to be a Jager and for things to get all kinds of awesome and non-canon.