GIANT BOLD RED TEXT WARNING OF SPOILERS BELOW!

YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Unless you've seen the movie, or don't care about being spoiled!

YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Unless you’ve seen the movie, or don’t care about being spoiled!

Guess what boys and girls? We’ve seen The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, and we have a few thoughts to present while the movie is still fresh in our minds. Don’t think of this as a review, per se, just a casual conversation been two guys who shouldn’t be talking in a theater.

Highlights

Lowlights

No goblin kings with creepy, suggestive hanging bits of skin. Bad time to take the ring off Bilbo. (Spiders)
The ring translates spider-ese for Bilbo. Makes a little more sense than them just flat out speaking English. With a wealth of characters established by the creator of the series at our disposal, let’s just make a new elf chick.  No, we WON’T write Arwen in!
Bilbo wants the spiders to see him, just before he STABS THEM IN THE FACE! Let’s make the new elf chick fall for the dwarf who looks the most like a regular dude.
Standing up for your principles Thorin. Respect! Ok, your principles aside Thorin, this is the one capture situation where you can actually just bail yourself out. Hell, you might be able to just pay Thranduil to send a hit squad after those pesky orcs while you’re at it!
Drunk and irresponsible elves. Finally. I was starting to worry that you were all a bunch of Elronds. Seriously, not a good time to take the ring off Bilbo. (Elves coming down the stairs)
The river barrel escape scene is basically one long chain-kill video, and that’s a good thing. Dammit Radagast! Not having bird shit on your face ISN’T too much to ask!
Legolas activates the cheat code for infinite arrows. Sauron, you’re looking dangerously close to the evil god-Sybok (Star Trek V) when you walk in that wreath of flame there. Just watch it. I have my eye on you.
Mecha-Bombur! (aka Bombur’s Broken Barrel of Badass Blades) There’s a prophecy about the “Return of the King Under the Mountain” now?  Since when?!
Gandalf vs. the Army of Darkness. Also, does it really count as a “prophecy” to say that if you wake up a dragon who lives next to a town that is made entirely of wood, that town is probably screwed? What’s the word for “a prophecy that is obvious”?
GANDALF HATES ALL BRIDGES!!! The black arrows look like posh curtain rods.
Toilet dwarves will one day replace scrubbing bubbles, you mark my words! Maybe Tolkien gave dragons an obvious weakness (the soft belly) so that it could be shown that Smaug was clever and overcame such a weakness. Thus, he created him as greater threat than any dragon before him. So hey – maybe taking that away is a bad idea?
Damn your watchability Stephen Fry! Ok, when did the Arkenstone become the Dwarven Matrix of Leadership?
Laketown parkour with added stabby stabby! Stop using the black arrow as a clothesline when it’s clearly a curtain rod. Also, Bard Jr., how did you never notice this before?
Infinite arrows cheat mode is still activated. Dammit Bilbo! The Dragon is right there! DON’T take the ring off!
Smaug and Bilbo’s conversation reminds me that the next season of Sherlock is almost here. Also, the banter occurs while running invisibly from a dragon in Scrooge McDuck’s Money Bin. Yes. Infinite arrow code runs out just as Legolas really needs to make a distance kill.
That is a pretty pimp golden dwarf statue right there. The plan to pour molten gold on a dragon, who’s insides can be on fire with no ill affects, and believing that this will stop him is just a bad plan.
A true villain doesn’t just kill the hero, he makes them suffer. Good call on the town attack plan Smaug. That is a mustache twirling moment of villainy right there. No singing until the credits? What’s wrong with you Jackson?!

 

James’ Final Thought: Perhaps I’m spoiled by Pacific Rim now, but I half expected that golden statue to be a Jager and for things to get all kinds of awesome and non-canon.